Connector + Writer + Speaker
One of the most painful acts of love is to bear witness to the pain of another, love them with all of your might, and not be able to fix, solve, or make better. The most we can do is be present with them in the midst of it all, trusting that that can make all the difference.
It breaks your heart to love that way.
It breaks it wide open, making room for more.
Photo: Paul Blenkhorn on Pexels.com
Valentine’s Day can be rough.
It has become a commercially driven day to express our love for that “special someone” in just the right way.
But what if we don’t have a special someone? What if we have lost them in the myriad of painful ways that mean we are no longer able to share our lives with those we’ve loved? Under those circumstances, Valentine’s Day becomes a reminder of what we’ve lost.
But what if we are happily single? What if we are content sharing our heart with no one but ourselves? Under those circumstances Valentine’s Day can cause us to doubt our choice to go it alone as we field questions from total strangers about how we are going to celebrate a day in which being single seems like a problem.
But what if we don’t feel lovable? What if we have lost sight of our inherent worth simply because we are citizens of the planet, created in the image of the power behind it all, and sent here to love the world within our reach? Under those circumstances, Valentine’s Day becomes a reminder of how far we’ve drifted from our source and our soul.
But what if we don’t feel particularly dazzled by the one we love? What if we have found ourselves in one of those rough patches when it is glaringly obvious that love is as much, if not more of, a choice than a feeling? Under those circumstances Valentine’s Day becomes a reminder that love is far more complicated and much grittier than simple sayings on greeting cards and candy hearts.
Whenever money gets involved with love, it gets tricky. By some estimates consumers will spend in excess of $27 billion. That’s a lot of candy hearts.
So, what’s love got to do with it anyway?
When it comes to Valentine’s Day, who knows.
When it comes to life?
Everything.
Photo: pexels.com
If I loved Christmas when I was a youngster, I loved Christmas night most of all. That was when the house grew quiet, the fire got another log, and a new world opened up with the turn of the first page of my new book. Every year that new book was the present I looked forward to more than any other. It fed an early love of the written word, which grew into the love of penning my own. It was then, and is now, a love that asks to be fed, and in feeding it, I am the one who is nourished.
What we come to love in life often shows up in our earliest years. Whatever your is, it is a love that deserves to be fed. Feed it well, and you will be the one who is nourished.
A stack of food for thought-Christmas 2019
When I was a little girl Christmas was one of my favorite times of the year.
It wasn’t so much about the presents under the tree as it was about the gathering together around the tree.
It wasn’t the amazement that Santa could make it down the chimney, although I did think that was pretty cool, but about the fire that blazed in our fireplace all season long.
It wasn’t the call from my dad’s friend Jack Figenson to let me know that Santa and his sleigh just flew over their house and I’d better get to bed, but the certainty I had that magic is as real as anything else.
It wasn’t the nativity scene that we put up every year to recreate that long ago story of the birth of a baby, but that I never once questioned the idea that the Love that set all of creation in motion would want to join us in our humanity.
My childish mind couldn’t imagine that the Love that is behind, and around, and within everyone and everything would want anything other than to live amongst us.
To this day, I can’t imagine anything else.
In his latest book (The Great Spiritual Migration: How The World’s Largest Religion Is Seeking A Better Way To Be Christian), Brian McLaren suggests that we need to learn the practical skills necessary to love well, starting with those closest to us. When those skills are practiced at home they can then be put to use out in the world with others.
His is an extensive list, and to my mind, there isn’t one that isn’t worth the effort. And, because the list is so expansive it might feel a little daunting to you as it does to me, so rather than take it all on at once, pick a few that beckon to you. Or maybe better yet, ask those near and dear to you which ones they would love to see you practice, which btw is practicing skills 7, 17, and 18.
Common Courtesies
Gratitude
Admitting Weaknesses & Failures
Self-Reporting Emotions
Expressing Hurt & Disappointment
Confronting & Forgiving
Asking For Help
Differing Graciously
Surfacing & Negotiating Competing Desires
Taking The First Step To Resolve Conflict
Upholding Wise Boundaries
Saying Yes & No
Winning & Losing Graciously
Creating Win-Win Outcomes
Speaking Truth In Love
Speaking Truth To Power
Asking Good Questions
Requesting Feedback
Expressing Affection
Opening One’s Heart
Giving Gifts
Seeking Wise Counsel
What better gift to give to ourselves, and to those we love this holiday season, than to diligently, humbly, and intentionally practice the skills of love. Love is, after all, the gift that keeps on giving.
Photo by Ylanite Koppens from Pexels
August 27, 1994
Yesterday we celebrated our 25th anniversary. I never knew love could be this big, or life this good, which is not to say that it has been smooth sailing or easy going. Far from it. It has however been worth every single minute that we’ve spent learning to create the life we share. Like most things, we’ve learned as much by what we got wrong (plenty) as by what we got right (thankfully plenty here as well it seems), and in honor of each of those years, and in no particular order, here is what my geologist and I came up with…
Love by listening.
Assume good intent.
Do your work and expect them to do the same
Don’t do their work for them and don’t expect them to do yours for you.
Play together.
Learn to laugh at yourself and with one another.
Talk about it, no matter what.
Learn to speak one another’s love languages.
Get a therapist.
Create at least one daily ritual that connects you.
Be active together.
Own up to what’s yours in real time.
Go on adventures.
Stay curious.
Be authentic.
Tell the truth even when it’s hard…especially when it’s hard.
Be courageous enough to be vulnerable.
Make your relationship the priority and move out from there.
Have the conversations that you don’t want to have.
Cook together.
Create lives of your own that strengthen the one you share.
Set boundaries that protect your relationship.
Identify and learn about each other’s enneagram numbers - really!
Love generously.
And because it bears repeating…do your work and expect them to do theirs.
I can’t wait to discover what we’ll learn over the next 25…
Mimi…It’s good being here.
Those words, spoken this morning, would warm any grandmother’s heart. Especially when they come from a little three-year old grand boy who is staying with us, along with his fifteen month old brother, for a long weekend while his wonderful, weary parents celebrate their anniversary.
It’s a big deal.
They love us. They miss their mom and dad.
They love being with us at our “cabin”.. They miss being with their parents in their own home.
They love their bedtime rituals with us. They miss having their Mama and Dada tuck them in.
Like I said. It’s a big deal. Especially for two little boys away from home for multiple nights.
Mimi…It’s good being here.
All day long I’ve reflected on those words. Why, exactly, is it good being here? It’s probably not too complicated. Even if he can’t yet put words to it yet, I think it’s good being here because here…he feels loved, safe, important, and valued. And it doesn’t hurt that we have a whole lot of fun.
Some things never change.
Bob Goff wrote a book called Love Does. It’s a great book, and everyone should read it.
The title of his book just about sums it up. Life I mean. Love just plain does stuff. It doesn’t talk about stuff, lecture about stuff, or judge others about their stuff. It just keeps showing up and doing the stuff necessary for the day at hand.
I can’t think of a better question to ask when faced with any decision, big or small than this—What would love do?
And then just go do it.
This is what love did today…
Gracie wanted to march with us because she knows that’s what love does too…but she’s in heat…so she had to watch from the car.
In my tradition, today, on the seventh Sunday after Easter, we celebrate Pentecost, remembering the story of the Holy Spirit descending on those gathered in the name of the Carpenter, to celebrate the Jewish festival of Shavuot. The Spirit sounded like a fierce wind, and looked like tongues of fire. According to the story, those there felt themselves so filled with the Spirit of the Holy that they were able to speak in new languages.
There are days when I long to speak in a new language. One that blesses those who hear it. One that reflects the image of the One in whom we are all created. One that offers the message that has been true since before the beginning of time. A language that says to all, you are loved, you are seen, and you belong.
But man is that hard some days.
It has been windy around our home this week, and the sound of the wind in the pines is nothing if not the Spirit of the Holy, reminding me that Pentecost isn’t a one-and-done deal, but an ongoing story that is meant to be lived again, and again, and again. Today as we head to our church wearing red to symbolize those flaming tongues of fire, to gather again in the name of the Carpenter, I want to remember that that new language isn’t new at all. Our first language, it is as old as the wind that blows through the pines, and it is right on the tip of my tongue waiting to be heard in a world more thirsty for the message than ever.
You are loved.
You are seen.
You belong.
She knew how to bring out the best in him. Often exacting and distant as a dad in his earlier years, whenever he had the chance to spend time with this daughter of his, all of that seemed to melt away. She had a way of coaxing the boy, who never got to be a boy when he was a boy, to come out and play. Nothing made them happier than playing with materials that others saw as trash and transforming them into treasures. Together, heads bent over a drawing of some dreamed of project, their shared gift of exquisitely combining form and function came alive. A mistake that would once have brought his criticism and a list of what went wrong, became a chance to spend more time to together, covered in dust, figuring out how to get it right.
The daughter loved the architect for who he was, and extended grace for who he was not, and the architect loved his daughter in all the ways in which he could, never fully understanding the ways in which he could not. In the end, she will remember her love for him, and his for her, as an imperfect thing of beauty and a joy forever.
With deep gratitude to the architect for the gift of his daughter.
MOLLY DAVIS is the founder of Trailhead Coaching & Consulting. She writes about lessons and adventures from the trail, and knows from firsthand experience that sometimes the only way to discover where you want to be, is to get lost where you don't. If you enjoyed this post, please feel free to pass it along.
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