Connector + Writer + Speaker
So often what we never seem to get around to, is taking care of ourselves. I’m going to go out on a pretty sturdy limb here, and say that this is especially true of women. Our days are so easily filled with tending to the often very necessary and important needs of others, that we easily find ourselves, at the end of the day, resolving to do something about our own lack of attention to our own.
What is one act of care that you can offer to yourself today? This week? This month?
Once a year we get our windows washed, and the before and after is noticeable. We’re good about scheduling a trusted professional once a year to tackle the task, but the upkeep in between, which is up to us, tends to slip right off our radar screen. The truth of the matter is, it wouldn’t take much effort to maintain our windows, keeping them clean and clear to enjoy the beautiful view. A little spritz of windex here, a swipe of a paper towel there, and just like that, the smudges, spatters, bird-strikes, and spots would disappear.
The same holds true for the lens through which we look out at the world. Tending to the things which cloud our vision is easier when we do it in real time, rather than waiting for stuff to build up. When we notice that we are looking at life through the window of an old story, negative self-talk, or a toxic thought, we can do what needs to be done to address it, giving us clear glass through which to see.
Looking out through our windows today, the view hasn’t changed, but the glass through which we see it has.
Plumbing issues can be the worst. I’ve had my share over the years, and maybe you have too. Like those times when you find bits of lettuce floating in a bath tub that has backed up, or the laundry room floor has a half an inch of water on Christmas Eve, or you open the door to the basement only to find a small flood in progress.
In a plumbing system there are valves that allow us to turn things on and off, and to regulate the flow of water coming out of the faucet, from a slow drip to a gushing stream. The pipes in the system are meant to allow the water to flow freely, but when there is a blockage, everything begins to back up and overflow in areas we wish it wouldn’t.
When it comes to plumbing problems, the timing is rarely convenient. When things are running smoothly we probably don’t give it a second thought, and tend to take sinks that drain and pipes that don’t leak for granted until something goes wrong. Suddenly it is all we think about, because when there is a problem with the plumbing, things come to a screeching halt. Drains clog, sinks overflow, and household tasks have to wait until the source of the problem is located and dealt with. Sometime that’s an easy fix. Nothing that a little drain cleaner won’t fix. Then there are those other times when we have to call in some help. We need someone who knows their way around the maze that is a plumbing system. Sometimes that means a trusted someone who is handy with a wrench, and other times it means calling on the help and expertise of a professional. Either way, when things get backed up, it’s time to get some help
As usual, I find myself connecting the dots between what goes on out in the world with that which happens in our inner world. It is as if we come with our own internal emotional plumbing system, where thoughts, feelings, and words are meant to flow freely, and where we have the ability to regulate that flow. The condition of the pipes, keeping them open and in good working order requires our mindful attention. When things are running smoothly, we don’t usually give that internal system a second thought, and tend to take relationships and ease of communication for granted. Then suddenly something goes wrong, and it’s all we think about. We discover that there is a blockage somewhere, and stuff begins to back up and overflow in areas, which usually means on other people, that we wish it wouldn’t. Sometimes it is an easy fix. Nothing that a little reflection and self-care won’t fix. Then there are those other times when we have to call in some help. We need someone who knows their way around the maze that is the human heart. Sometimes that means a trusted someone, and other times it means calling on the help and expertise of a professional. Either way, when things get backed up, it’s time to get some help.
Photo: Pexels-(Digital Buggu)
Digital Buggu
After many years working for Nordstrom, an organization known for its excellence in customer service, the bar I set when it comes to responding to my needs when I am the customer is admittedly high, and surprisingly simple.
Care about me. Help me.
Recently I’ve had two experiences in stark contrast to one another.
LOW BAR
In the Costco checkout line (and for the record, I love Costco) I asked about an item I hadn’t been able to find.
Me: Do you know if you have an capers?
Employee: I have no idea what those are.
My thought bubble: That’s not what I asked.
Me: Do you think someone could find out for me?
The other employee at the register overheard the conversation and asked her to go see if she could find out if there were any capers in stock, at which point she replied: I have no idea what those are.
My thought bubble: That’s not what she asked either.
Finally, yet another employee came over and informed me that they were out of stock, but were anticipating new ones that would, of course, be located in the meat department.
My thought bubble: None of you have any idea what a caper is, do you.
The experience could have so easily been raised to a higher bar.
Me: Do you know if you have any capers?
Employee: I have no idea what those are, but want to know, and would be happy to go find out if we have any.
HIGH BAR
I’ve spent approximately 5 hours, with five different customer service agents on the phone with Apple Care to resolve an issue on my iMac.
Me: I’m having a problem with the Message function on my Mac. I can receive messages but not send them.
Employee: I’m so sorry for the problem. Let’s take a look and get this resolved for you as quickly as we can.
My thought bubble: I love Apple Care
The problem isn’t resolved yet, and has been escalated through the ranks, now landing with the engineering team, but there is no doubt that they care and will stick with me until it is resolved.
The experience could have so easily been dropped to a lower bar.
Me: I’m having a problem with the Message function on my Mac. I can receive messages but not send them.
Employee: We have online resources. Have you tried those?
When it comes right down to it, in one way or another we are all in the customer service business, because we are all here to care about each other, and help each other. Or at least we should be.
In case you’re interested...https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caper
Illustration by Otto Wilhelm Thomé and displayed on Wikipedia
One of my least favorite emotions, and yet like all of the ones we’d rather not experience, discouragement has something to say. It sets in when something rears its head again, or when we think we’ve gotten to the root of something and come to find out that we haven’t. At this point it feels like it would be easier to just throw in the towel, forget whatever the issue is, or give up rather than keep going. But this gray sense of disappointment, whether in ourselves, others, or both, is an invitation to look deeper.
Discouragement tells us that what’s been done isn’t what needs to be done. Our work is to figure out what that is.
Discouragement suggests that there are stones yet unturned, paths not yet taken, or viewpoints not yet seen. Our work is to turn over new rocks, embark on the new trail, or look through a different lens.
Left to its own devices, discouragement can lead to a loss of confidence and enthusiasm, leaving us downhearted and demoralized. So rather than leave it to its sorry little self, it is better to grab it by the hand and walk with it until a next right step appears, which if we stick with it, it almost always does. And that’s encouraging.
re·sid·u·al/riˈzijo͞oəl/
adjective - remaining after the greater part or quantity has gone
Recently I had the experience of spending several days with very good friends. Three of us are colleagues and meet together on a monthly basis for a video visit. Our intent is always to show up authentically, speak truthfully, listen deeply, and help each other become more of the people we are meant to be. One of our trio had the idea of finding time for a longer connection. One that was more up close and personal than can transpire in a couple of hours every month. A time to step aside from the goings on of our everyday lives, and for good measure, to bring our partners with us. I wrote about this experience in an earlier post at the beginning of our time in the house overlooking the water that we rented for our getaway...
Our agenda? To show up as ourselves.
The topics for our time together? Whatever felt real, relevant, and revelatory.
Looking back a week later, it is clear to me that when it came to showing up authentically and sharing the real, the relevant, and the revelatory, everyone knocked it out of the park. Not because of a need to perform or succeed, but rather out of a desire to be known and seen. Riding the ferry back to the lives that awaited each of us, I think we all felt enlivened, enriched, and challenged by our conversations and the connections forged over morning coffee, long meandering hikes in the woods, shared meals, and time spent lingering over another glass of wine. We shared stories both fragile and funny, read poetry aloud to one another, dug deeper into what makes us tick and the forces that have shaped us into the people we are today. We posed questions and gave our best answers, cooked for one another and cleaned up after each other, and when we left it is safe to say we all knew ourselves, and one another, better than when we arrived, and we can’t wait to do it again. The cool thing is, we don’t have to wait for a next time to experience more of the goodness that happened, because there seems to be a residual effect that is keeping the experience alive. Whether that means a sense of being more present and engaged, experiencing the light of clarity, or a renewed sense of purpose and vocation, our time together changed us.
What we experience has a residual effect that can linger and endure for good or for ill, which suggests that we are wise to be mindful of how we spend our time and with whom.
Written with gratitude for Tom, David, Theresa, Alia, and Kyle.
How often do you wake up in the morning and hope someone asks Do you mind if I give you some feedback? For most of us, those words rarely lead us to think that someone has something awesome to share with us. We generally prepare ourselves to hear something that shines a light on our shortcomings, failures, or mis-steps, and the truth is, sometimes, ok, many times, it does highlight something that we didn’t see ourselves, but wish we had.
This morning, after reading my latest blog post (Sunday School) which talked about the biblical story of creation and what it might tell us about ourselves, my husband Tom asked if he could share his perspective with me.
Umm. Sure.
“If someone didn’t know your theology, they might think that you believe that the world was literally created in six days. They might not understand that you were saying that the story is meant to point us to a much deeper truth.” My first response was that he hadn’t read it carefully enough, and then I remembered who it was that was offering me the gift of his feedback. As a scientist and a writer himself, he is a careful reader, and, he is also one of my most trusted voices. When he speaks, I (generally) try and listen, so took a deep breath and asked him to tell me more.
In my mind I had specifically written that piece to point to a deeper truth, not as theological commentary on anyone’s understanding of a powerful story of creation. I wrote it to encourage each of us to take seriously the unique errand upon we have been sent. To remind us that when we do the work we are called to do, and share the gifts that are ours to share, we can look upon all that we have done, and see that it is good. Just as the Creator does in the story. That was my point. Tom’s point was that readers might get wrapped up in a theological debate and miss the point altogether. It would have only taken a little more effort on my part to provide some context for my readers. To set the table a bit better before inviting them to partake of the offering.
It’s never fun to feel like we’ve missed the mark, and yet missing it is the only way we can improve our marksmanship. Whether as a writer, speaker, teacher, or coach, the only way I can get better is through honest feedback from trusted sources. The same holds true for all of us. In order to become more of who we are meant to be, to live into our fullness, and yes, to reflect the image of the creative power behind everything, we need to hear from others what they see in us that we cannot see in ourselves. Feedback is always a gift, not because it is always accurate or right or deserved, but because it provides a perspective other than our own, and helps us better understand how we are showing up in the world.
Whether that world took 6 days to create, or 4.6 billion years.
Photo: Pixabay
It’s been in the works for awhile now. It all started with a phone call from a friend. We have a monthly video call where three of us connect to check in, go deep, and help one another become more of who we are called to be. He had booked a house on a beach overlooking the water for another gathering, but had the house for a full week, and wondered what it might be like to join him there, and for good measure, to bring our partners as well. Instantly we were all in. The dates went on our calendars, funds were contributed, and we all agreed to bring plenty of good food, good wine, and something meaningful to share with each other.
On our last phone call we talked about what we wanted the time to look like.
Did we have an agenda?
Were there topics to be covered?
Well. Yes and no.
The agenda? To show up as ourselves.
The topics to be covered? Whatever felt real, relevant, and revelatory.
It’s as simple as that and as hard as it gets. Kind of like life.
Until we brought Gracie-the-chocolate-labradoodle into our home, I thought a prong collar was a cruel device used to torture dogs. That was then. This is now. As it turns out, this scary looking metal collar, when fitted properly and used correctly, is both extremely effective and very humane.
Our vision for this joyful creature who now shares our home and fills our hearts is to be the happiest four-legged, curly-haired girl she can be, to know how to keep herself out of harms way, and to ultimately have the maximum amount of freedom possible. Such freedom has to be earned, and with the help of her prong collar, she is banking her freedom chips faster than you can say Fetch!
Ii isn’t punishment, it’s information. Do this, not that.
It’s like a tap on the shoulder, not a slap in the face. This is okay, that’s not.
It increases self-restraint. Stop now, not later.
It provides awareness. This is safe, that’s not.
It builds connection. I’m ok if you’re ok.
To put it simply—the prong collar is nothing more than a useful feedback mechanism that helps Gracie learn what’s okay, and what’s not. Which, come to think about it, is something we human types need too.
PS: Gracie wanted us to tell you, Never use a prong collar without proper instruction first.
With gratitude for Matt Luchsinger and the team at NWB Dogs for helping us be better humans for Gracie.
It is so easy to look for an escape hatch.
We move on from one situation in the hopes of leaving our troubles behind, only to find that they have followed us into the new one.
We head for the greener grass on the other side of the fence, only to discover we haven’t yet learned how to feed and water our own lawn.
We pack up and find a new home, only to be greeted at the door by the same life we had before.
We end one relationship in search of a better one, and find the same partner wearing a different face.
At one time or another all of us find ourselves in need of a fresh start, and crossing the finish line of our current race is the only to get there.
No matter how fast or far we run, whatever we choose to ignore comes with us wherever we go.
MOLLY DAVIS is the founder of Trailhead Coaching & Consulting. She writes about lessons and adventures from the trail, and knows from firsthand experience that sometimes the only way to discover where you want to be, is to get lost where you don't. If you enjoyed this post, please feel free to pass it along.
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