Connector + Writer + Speaker
Maturity is not a static arrived platform, where life is viewed from a calm, untouched oasis of wisdom, but a living elemental frontier between what has happened, what is happening now and the consequences of that past and present, first imagined and then lived into the waiting future.
~David Whyte: CONSOLATIONS
What does your past tell you that can help you live more fully into your waiting future?
re·sid·u·al/riˈzijo͞oəl/
adjective - remaining after the greater part or quantity has gone
Recently I had the experience of spending several days with very good friends. Three of us are colleagues and meet together on a monthly basis for a video visit. Our intent is always to show up authentically, speak truthfully, listen deeply, and help each other become more of the people we are meant to be. One of our trio had the idea of finding time for a longer connection. One that was more up close and personal than can transpire in a couple of hours every month. A time to step aside from the goings on of our everyday lives, and for good measure, to bring our partners with us. I wrote about this experience in an earlier post at the beginning of our time in the house overlooking the water that we rented for our getaway...
Our agenda? To show up as ourselves.
The topics for our time together? Whatever felt real, relevant, and revelatory.
Looking back a week later, it is clear to me that when it came to showing up authentically and sharing the real, the relevant, and the revelatory, everyone knocked it out of the park. Not because of a need to perform or succeed, but rather out of a desire to be known and seen. Riding the ferry back to the lives that awaited each of us, I think we all felt enlivened, enriched, and challenged by our conversations and the connections forged over morning coffee, long meandering hikes in the woods, shared meals, and time spent lingering over another glass of wine. We shared stories both fragile and funny, read poetry aloud to one another, dug deeper into what makes us tick and the forces that have shaped us into the people we are today. We posed questions and gave our best answers, cooked for one another and cleaned up after each other, and when we left it is safe to say we all knew ourselves, and one another, better than when we arrived, and we can’t wait to do it again. The cool thing is, we don’t have to wait for a next time to experience more of the goodness that happened, because there seems to be a residual effect that is keeping the experience alive. Whether that means a sense of being more present and engaged, experiencing the light of clarity, or a renewed sense of purpose and vocation, our time together changed us.
What we experience has a residual effect that can linger and endure for good or for ill, which suggests that we are wise to be mindful of how we spend our time and with whom.
Written with gratitude for Tom, David, Theresa, Alia, and Kyle.
When Tom and I first got married we started walking in the early morning. At first it was a slow stroll with umbrellas when it rained, but it wasn’t long before we ditched the umbrellas and speeded up our pace. Side-by-side we began to navigate our way to the marriage we have today. It was on those walks that we started learning who we were and who we wanted to become, where we’d been and where we wanted to go. We laughed, cried, argued, made-up, and sometimes we just talked, but step by step we learned how to live in step with ourselves and one another. A lot can happen on a walk.
A walk is a powerful practice that can be implemented almost anywhere at almost anytime and for almost any purpose.
A Walk In The Valley
When my one and only sister and I found ourselves at odds and unable to connect, we found our way back to one another by walking in the valley below her home. There were hard truths to be named, questions to be answered, forgiveness to be sought and extended, and because of our Walk In The Valley, we’ve never lost each other again. A lot can happen on a walk.
Take A Walk With The Captain
One of my dear friends is a retired US Navy captain, and in her years as a powerful and influential leader, she instigated a practice she called Take A Walk With The Captain. It was an open invitation for anyone on her team to sign up for a 20 minute walk with her. No agenda other than the one created by the person walking by her side. On those walks trust was gained, stories were shared, and questions were answered. A lot can happen on a walk.
Walk The Problem
An organization I worked with encouraged employees to Walk The Problem. Rather than try to resolve the conflict, have the hard conversation, or clear up a misunderstanding in an office behind closed doors, people took the problem outside and onto the track that surrounded the building. Walking together had a way of clearing the air and leaving whatever it was in the dust. A lot can happen on a walk.
After 25 years together we value our walks more than ever. The exercise is great, but even better is the development of the practice of squaring our shoulders in the same direction, and stepping out together.
A lot can happen on a walk.
It’s been in the works for awhile now. It all started with a phone call from a friend. We have a monthly video call where three of us connect to check in, go deep, and help one another become more of who we are called to be. He had booked a house on a beach overlooking the water for another gathering, but had the house for a full week, and wondered what it might be like to join him there, and for good measure, to bring our partners as well. Instantly we were all in. The dates went on our calendars, funds were contributed, and we all agreed to bring plenty of good food, good wine, and something meaningful to share with each other.
On our last phone call we talked about what we wanted the time to look like.
Did we have an agenda?
Were there topics to be covered?
Well. Yes and no.
The agenda? To show up as ourselves.
The topics to be covered? Whatever felt real, relevant, and revelatory.
It’s as simple as that and as hard as it gets. Kind of like life.
I almost forgot to cut the ferns back. It is a task that can be done in late winter or early spring, it doesn’t matter. It just matters that you do it.
Pruning away the old, brown fronds improves the appearance of the plant, increases the air flow to prevent mold, and allows new fronds to emerge. It only took about 30 minutes to complete the job, and the new fronds, now visible, were curled up tight as little fists. The very next day, those little fists began to uncurl into new vibrant green leaves.
Like a fern, for us to flourish the old needs to be trimmed away in order for new growth to emerge.
It is so easy to look for an escape hatch.
We move on from one situation in the hopes of leaving our troubles behind, only to find that they have followed us into the new one.
We head for the greener grass on the other side of the fence, only to discover we haven’t yet learned how to feed and water our own lawn.
We pack up and find a new home, only to be greeted at the door by the same life we had before.
We end one relationship in search of a better one, and find the same partner wearing a different face.
At one time or another all of us find ourselves in need of a fresh start, and crossing the finish line of our current race is the only to get there.
No matter how fast or far we run, whatever we choose to ignore comes with us wherever we go.
At first you think you’re done.
And then you're not.
Because it feels so good to get some momentum going and like you’re making great progress, which you probably are, it can be tempting to think the job is done.
Because it feels so good to have accomplished so much, it is tempting to call it good, and leave the remaining boxes, bins, nooks, and crannies for another day.
We aren’t doing that, and the sifting, sorting, and tossing continues.
When tackling a project like the garage, or an inner life for that matter, as it says on one of our daughter’s favorite coffee mugs—There is no secret. Keep going.
Sometimes there’s just nothing like family.
I’m spending a few days with one of our daughters and her family. Which turned out to mean that I have the chance to play with the grandboys, fold laundry, drink coffee, talk about life, and get ready for a birthday party on Saturday, complete with a homemade smash cake for the one year old to, well, smash his face into. Earlier this week, my brother drove a couple of hours to spend the day with us up at our cabin. Which turned out to mean that we had the chance to sit on the porch, drink coffee, talk about life, and of the cross country trip he and his wife will be making next month for their move into their new home. Which turned out to mean that we had the chance to talk about how sweet it is that they are moving closer to their son and his wife, and the bitterness of that sweet in moving away from lifelong friends and family. He had a little surgery yesterday to clean up a knee, and while his knee did fine, his heart acted up a bit and he had to stay overnight in the hospital. Which turned out to mean his son decided to change his travel plans at the last minute and fly into town for a couple of days. Which turned out to mean that my wonderful nephew showed up at my daughter’s house this afternoon. Which turned out to mean that over dinner those two cousins had the chance to reminisce about the weekly dinners they used to have together when they were both single and living in the same city. She would plan the menu, he’d show up with the groceries, and she would cook. Which turned out to mean that they learned their way around the kitchen together. Which turned out to mean that tonight, while she and her husband put little boys to bed, he cleaned up the kitchen before heading out. Which turned out to mean that at the end of the day, sometimes there’s just nothing like family.
In an interest bearing account, interest is accrued over time. The sooner one begins putting money in, the more they put in, and the longer they leave it there, the more interest will accumulate, thus increasing the value of that account.
It isn’t a stretch to say that the same is true when it comes to investing in our own emotional health and wellbeing. The sooner we get to it, the more we put into it, and the longer we keep at it, the more we stand to gain, and we aren’t the only ones who will benefit from our efforts. All those with whom we are in relationship stand to reap the rewards as well. The sooner we get started, the less others will have to pay for our mistakes. The sooner we take ourselves on, the less likely we are to take our stuff out on others. Especially on those who matter the most.
Just as there are a variety of financial investment tools and strategies from which to choose, there are different options and strategies available to help us grow and thrive emotionally. It all starts with a commitment to do the work. To invest. To fund. To understand. To keep at it. To educate ourselves. To seek professional help. To sacrifice now for long term gain.
It all boils down to this…
When it comes to financial health, either we choose to invest or not.
When it comes to emotional health, either we choose to invest or not.
When we do, it’s always pays off.
You can take that to the bank.
Somewhere along the way, most of us forget who we are, who we have been from the beginning, and who we are meant to be forever. It’s time we remembered. Because only in remembering who we are and living into our fullness, can we love, help, and heal the world that is within our reach, the errand upon which we all have been sent.
In case, like me, sometimes you forget too, let’s remember together.
We are all created in the image of God. Every single one of us.
Every.
Single.
One.
Of.
Us.
That sounds really good, right? I think so too. But what does in the image of God really mean?
Today, a question, posed by the Reverend Jacquie Lewis compels me to think more deeply about that, and I hope it will compel you too. Standing tall at the podium, speaking to the thousands of us gathered here in Albuquerque and around the world via webcast, she took a deep breath, and with fierce passion in her heart and tears in her eyes, asked:
Why are we willing to settle for such a puny God? A God who is unimaginative, stingy, exclusionary, transactional, and punitive?
Today, in Albuquerque, here is the answer that comes to mind. An answer I hope to spend the rest of my time living into with all of my heart, and all of my soul, and all of my mind.
We are all created in the image of a magnificent, creative, imaginative, abundant, inclusive, relational, and restorative God. Every single one of us.
Every.
Single.
One.
Of.
Us.
We are created in the image of the God who invites all, welcomes all, recognizes all, reconciles all, and who pours out amazing grace to all from a cup that forever runneth over.
Amen.
MOLLY DAVIS is the founder of Trailhead Coaching & Consulting. She writes about lessons and adventures from the trail, and knows from firsthand experience that sometimes the only way to discover where you want to be, is to get lost where you don't. If you enjoyed this post, please feel free to pass it along.
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