We all have old stories and toxic messages that keep circling around, appearing on our landscapes yet again. When they do, we have the choice of grabbing hold or taking a step back. In grasping a familiar message, we deepen our connection to the past, and continue to carry it with us into the future. In stepping back, we have the opportunity to evaluate its relevance in the present, and decide whether it is worth the weight it adds to our load. Each time our stuff takes another lap around our block, we have the choice is to latch on or let go.
The Trailhead
There is a trail leading deeper into our lives, and the trailhead lies squarely beneath our feet. Personally and professionally, taking the next right step begins with a right understanding of where we are now. Moving forward, our task is to follow the trail that connects who we are with how we live, so as not to get lost in a life that isn't our own.
Today I’m leading a retreat, and we will be considering three questions. Perhaps you’d like to join us.
Where are you now?
Where is life calling you?
How will you get there?
Our lives don't happen by accident; we participate in creating them every day, and one step at a time.
Done With The Dig
I’ve always been fascinated by the idea of an archeological dig, and have imagined what it must be like to unearth remains that confirm what has, until then, only been suspected. It’s thrilling to envision excavating the one piece that finally connects the dots. To uncover a previously hidden source of information that will advance our understanding of who we are and how we got here.
Having never actually been on a dig, or even visited one, it is easy to romanticize the process, filtering it through cinematic eyes, and imagining myself as the hero who finds the one piece that finally completes the puzzle, and wins the prize. I’m no archeologist, but my guess is that in reality, it must boil down to a lot of slow, careful, methodical work, and the site being excavated still might not yield the hoped for evidence. Which means knowing where to dig matters, as does how long to dig. There will always be one more tiny piece, one more fraction of a bone or shard of a pot to find, but when weighed against the effort and investment to keep digging, will the pay off be worth it?
The same could be said for the excavation of our inner lives. Understanding who we are and how we got here as individuals is some of our most important work. To be done well, it will require some digging, some emotional archeology as my wise spiritual director calls it. Filling in the picture of our past can help us live more fully now, and such work often requires the help of a trained professional to help us understand what we’ve uncovered. This archeology can provide us with the piece that completes our puzzle, bringing us the rewards of compassion and forgiveness, healing and wholeness.
Knowing where to dig and for how long matters here too. There will always be more tiny shreds of evidence of our past to dig up. Knowing when to stop digging up the past and get on with living in the present will make a big difference in the future still ahead of us.
Tethering
There is a tool when raising a puppy or training a dog called tethering.
Tethering means that if you are with your dog and not actively training, or the dog is in their crate or some other assigned rest area, you and your dog are basically attached at the hip. Literally. You attach a leash around your waist, and clip it onto your dog’s collar. Where you go, the dog goes, training her to stay close, strengthening the bond between you and your dog, and allowing you to observe and respond to her behaviors appropriately. Rewarding what you want. Ignoring or correcting what you don’t.
Gracie, our 14 week old chocolate labradoodle and I are becoming increasingly comfortable with this tethering routine. She is relaxing into it, sticking closer sooner, and is starting to offer behaviors that get rewarded, and learning to avoid those that do not. Left to her own devices, without this practice, it would be easy for her to wander, ok, race, into territory where she could do harm to herself, her surroundings, and other dogs or people.
Standing at the counter with her calmly sitting by my side, it struck me that left to our own devices, untethered from our true self, and our values, beliefs, and priorities, we too can wander, ok, maybe race, into territory where we can do harm to ourselves, our surroundings, and other people.
In order to attach ourselves closely to our deepest values, beliefs, and priorities, we have to know who we are and what we care about, and then tether ourselves closely enough that when tempted to wander off course, we are pulled up short. The way I stay tethered to what matters is by declaring my bedrock beliefs. To trusted family, friends and colleagues, giving them permission to check me if they see me straining against the leash. On my website or at the beginning of a retreat, workshop, or keynote, I declare them publicly, compelling me to stay accountable to what I profess. When struggling to stay true to who I am, there are trusted professionals to help me do the inner work necessary to live into my truest self.
Gracie doesn’t always love tethering, but as I stay calm, solid and strong, she is learning to trust the bond being created by sticking close.
If Gracie can do it, so can we.
Mirror Mirror
“Our deepest calling is to grow into our own authentic self-hood, whether or not it conforms to some image of who we ought to be. As we do so, we will not only find the joy that every human being seeks--we will also find our path of authentic service in the world.”
― Parker Palmer
When we look in the mirror, who do we see?
Do we recognize the image looking back at us?
Does our outside match our inside?
If not, what do we need to do to uncover or reclaim our own authentic self-hood, so that we can walk our path of authentic service in the world?
It is our deepest calling.
Let’s answer it.
Write here…
Where Did The Joy Go?
I can lose my joy in a nano second.
And the culprit?
COMPARISON
Sometimes I compare myself to others to see if I measure up, and everything seems to be fair game…Work, Money, Book Sales, Social Media Platform, Blog Following, Body Image, Our Home, Family Dynamics, Emotional Intelligence, Education, Mindfulness, Spirituality, Physical Fitness, Creativity, Stature, Puppy Training Progress…just to name a few.
As soon as I focus on mine vs theirs, joy slips out and discouragement sneaks in.
On the other hand, some of the harshest comparison comes when I look at where I am in relationship to where I think I should be in any one of the categories listed above.
As soon as I focus on who I am vs who I think I should be, joy slips out and shame sneaks in.
Our work, here on planet earth, is to become our most authentic, wholehearted self. To be the best us we can be. In other words, to be our true self. The one who is uniquely equipped to help, heal, and love the world that is within our reach.
When we live from that place, nothing can rob us of our joy.
With gratitude to Katie Meleney for this tiny wooden sign that hangs above my desk to remind me…