Broken Records

Sometimes I know that I sound like a broken record, but then I guess there are some things that are worth repeating. My dad was a broken record.

Remember who you are and what you stand for.

If I heard that once, I heard it several thousand times. And so did everyone else who knew and loved him, and some who didn’t know him and if they did, they probably wouldn’t have loved him. I got tired of hearing it, and there were times I wanted to throw the nearest sharp object at him for saying it. But you know what? It stuck, and those words spoken to me, over me, and around me, have gone a long way toward helping me to become a better version of myself. There are things for which I’ve thrown my dad under the bus, but these words are not one of them. I will alway be on board the bus with him on this one. 

Recently I’ve begun to hear my own broken record. Like my dad’s words, mine are short, not-so-sweet, and to the point.

Do the work.

Simply stated, it means choosing over and over and over again, to do the hard work of becoming your best, most authentic and wholehearted self.

Do the work. 

It means uncovering our wounds (we all have them) and doing what it takes to heal them, and turn them into scars. It means sitting with our pain, anger, grief, and all of the other shadow emotions, and learning from them rather than running from them. It means asking ourselves what we are currently carrying with us that needs to be dealt with and left behind, so as to move into whatever is next with more love, compassion, freedom, and peace. It means admitting when we are wrong, and making amends. It means learning how to apologize and mean it not justify it. It means having the hard conversations and doing the deep listening. Again, and again, and again.

Do the work. 

It means figuring out what makes us tick, and what triggers us. It means taking ownership for everything in our lives. Every. Single. Thing. Not that we are responsible for everything that has happened to us, or for the wrongs committed to us by others, but that we are responsible for what we do with what we’ve got.  

Do the work.

It means finding the professional help to support our efforts. At the risk of sounding like another broken record, we all need professional help to become our best selves. Every. Single. One. Of. Us. Depending on the circumstances, that might mean a therapist, psychiatrist, coach or spiritual director, or some combination thereof.  

I’ve been heartened recently by examples of those doing their work, and heartbroken by examples of others who are not. When we do the work every one around us benefits, and when we don’t, everyone around us pays. Which is why, later today, I am grateful to be meeting with my spiritual director. I know I’m better when I do, and it’s better for everyone around me too. 

Some things are worth repeating. 

Let’s do the work. 

Committed

Later this week I will have the privilege of facilitating a day-long meeting in Nashville, TN for a group of educators, all dedicated to advocating for and advancing STEM Education (Science-Technology-Engineering-Math) for Girls.

The core purpose of the meeting is Reinforcing Our Unbreakable Commitment to GIRLS in STEM Education. It is my honor to step in and help in this effort, and I can’t think of a better way to spend a day.

Ever since my dear friend and colleague Dr. Barbara Bell engaged me for this meeting, I have been captivated by the language she chose to clarify the purpose for the day. Reinforcing Our Unbreakable Commitment… While theirs is a commitment to girls in STEM Education, the idea of an unbreakable commitment is worthy of anyone’s consideration.

What is my Unbreakable Commitment?

As I ponder this question, on a plane bound for Nashville, here is my answer:

I have an unbreakable commttment to the following core beliefs:

~ We are all created in the image of God

~ We are all called to live our most authentic, whole-hearted lives.

~ We are all called to love, help, and heal the world that is within our reach.

How will I Reinforce My Unbreakable Commitment?

I am fiercely determined to live in a way that those core beliefs are evident to others. These beliefs need to be more than good words, because talk is cheap. They need to run through my veins, energize my actions, and inform my choices. While I’m pretty sure I’ll never get it perfect, I’ll never stop working to get it better.

I’ve shared these core beliefs before, and will continue to do so going forward. Not because I need to spread them far and wide, but because I need to stay close to them myself. When we give voice to what we believe, we are compelled to live those beliefs out loud.

What is Your Unbreakable Commitment?

How will you Reinforce  Your Unbreakable Commitment?

Onward.

Upward.

Together.

Hallowed or Hollow?

…with liberty

and justice…

for all.

                               

Today we vote.

Tomorrow we get back to work.

All of us.

Because that’s what it will take if we want those hallowed words to ring true, and not hollow.

The Baby & The Bath Water

Our church is currently without a pastor, and as we search for the next one, each Sunday different members of our congregation take on the responsibility for giving the reflection (aka, the sermon). It is a wonderful practice, allowing us to learn more about each other, and be inspired by one another’s stories.

This morning a dear friend stepped up to the pulpit and shared the story of the people and experiences that have helped shape her faith into what it is today. While she spoke of several significant relationships, the one that struck me the most was the influence of her mother. As it turns out, their relationship was complicated and painful. What made the story so powerful was that while she has had to live with and acknowledge the hurtful and hard parts, she has also chosen to honor and appreciate the significant and positive ways her mom influenced the faith she so values today.

Most of us are a mixed bag, and most of the time we are doing the best we can with what we’ve got to work with. However, when it comes to relationships that are different from how we wish them to be, especially one as significant as that between a daughter and a mother, it is easy to focus only on the negative and painful. My friend was able to sort out her mother’s mixed bag separating the good from the not-so-good, the wheat from the chaff, the gifts from the trash.

We can be quick to throw the out the baby with the bathwater. The story shared today was a grace-filled reminder that we don’t have to.

What Love Does

“That’s because love is never stationary. In the end, love doesn’t just keep thinking about it or keep planning for it. Simply put: love does.” 

~ Bob Goff Author of Love Does, and Everybody Always

A friend and I spent one weekend in front of the fire reading, crying, and laughing our way through Love Does by Bob Goff.

When it comes to love, his book title says it all…

Love Does.

Based just on what I’ve seen today, here are a few of the things love does:

Love picks up the phone and asks for help.

Love answers the phone and listens.

Love calls to see how you are doing.

Love checks the oil in your car.

Love comes to your home to grieve, and to heal.

Love opens the door to someone in need.

Love helps you mail a package at the post office.

Love sends you a text.

Love gives you room to roam.

Love yells “Shotgun!” when you try and run away.

Love stays home with the babies so you can prepare for your next lecture.

Love does what it takes to keep a sacred monthly phone date.

Love laughs with you at the most inopportune times.

Love lets you push its hands off your shoulders because that feels too claustrophobic, but continues to stand behind you in quiet support.

Love kisses you in the middle of the day.

Love asks “How’s your heart today?”

Love encourages you in your writing.

Love stands behind you.

Love stands beside you.

Love goes before you.

Love

Does

What did you see love do today?

Wing-Walking

“All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.”

~ Havelock Ellis

There’s something called the Wing-Walker principle.

Often featured stunts in airshows of the past, wing-walkers were those daredevil folk willing to crawl out of the cockpit of an airborne biplane, and walk on the wing. Those watching from the ground, as well as the walker on the wing, knew that imminent death was a possibility.

The wing-walker principle, as explained to me, is that you never let go of one handhold until you have another one to grab on to. Makes good sense to me.

This same principle holds true on more than an airplane wing.

Life often feels as precarious as being out on an airplane wing, high above the ground, and the wind ready to blow you to kingdom come. There are times when it feels like you won’t survive, and that death is a real possibility if you can’t find something to hold onto.

When big change is upon us, what we’ve held onto in the past may not be able to sustain us where we are going, and In order to make our way forward, we have to find the next handhold.

Not the next ten.

Not even the next two.

Just the next thing to grab onto that will help us to hold steady in the gale force winds that threaten to push us off into thin air. That handhold could be the next phone call, decision, step, action, or piece of new information that will allow us to let go of the old, and begin to take hold of the new.

One handhold at a time, until we are again on solid ground.

Prop The Door Open

“To realize one’s destiny is a person’s only obligation.”

~ from The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

This morning as I was working out in the little gym in town, I opened the door to let in the  gorgeous view of the fall colors in the distance, some fresh autumn air, and a little more light. I was facing the door while lifting some weights, when a slight breeze picked up outside, and the door slowly and quietly began to shut. It stopped about two-thirds of the way, leaving only a third of the view, fresh air, and light.

I’d forgotten to prop it open with a rock.

It is safe to say that while I am squarely in the third-third of my life, there is still a lot out there that is mine to do. More words to write, more retreats to lead, more stages from which to speak, more clients to coach, more work on which to collaborate, more adventures with the love of my life, more time with the “littles” in our family, more time with those I love, and, more to discover every step of the way.

In order to make good on what is still mine to do, I have to keep the door to whatever that is open.

So do you.

An open door keeps our vision in front of us, breathes fresh air into our work, and shines light on our steps. But the door won’t stay open of its own accord. We have to prop it open with our rock-solid commitment to pursuing the good work to which we are called, the authentic, whole-hearted lives that we are here to live, and the people whose hearts we are here to love and to touch.

The door to the life that is ours can begin to close, ever so slowly and quietly, if we don’t remember to prop it open with a rock.

Safe Is Overrated

  “Well, we are safe, even as we are as vulnerable as kittens,  because love, the riskiest thing we do, makes us safe.”

~ Anne Lamott, from her new book: Almost Everything

In C.S. Lewis’s classic, The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, the Pevensie children find themselves in the magical land of Narnia after stepping through a door in the back of a wardrobe that is stored in an attic. Once there, they learn of Aslan, who is anything but a vulnerable little kitten. He is the fierce, gigantic, talking lion known as the King of Narnia, the King of Beasts, the Lord of the Wood, and son of the great Emperor-Beyond-The Sea.* He is powerful, wise, kind, just, and loving. All of those on the wrong side of all that he stands for fear him, as rightly they should. All of those who seek to stand on the same side of all that he stands for fear him, as rightly they should. He is, after all, the King of Narnia, King of Beasts, Lord of the Wood, and son of the great Emperor-Beyond-The-Sea.

Susan, the middle child of the four Pevensie siblings, has heard much of Aslan, but has yet to meet him. She has heard only of all the good that the powerful Aslan has done, and will do, and is excited at the prospect of meeting him. And, as you might imagine if you were going to meet a fierce, gigantic, talking Lion who reigns over all, you might be a tad bit nervous too. Hoping to allay her fears, she has a conversation with her new friend, Mr. Beaver. 

“Is he-quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion"..."Safe?" said Mr Beaver ..."Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you.”

Safe is overrated.  

Being true to your convictions isn’t safe. But it’s good. 

Speaking your mind isn’t safe. But it’s good. 

Adventures aren’t safe. But they’re good. 

Curiosity isn’t safe. But it’s good. 

Creativity isn’t safe. But it’s good. 

Meaningful work isn’t safe. But it’s good. 

Authenticity isn’t safe. But it’s good. 

Vulnerability isn’t safe. But it’s good. 

Hard conversations aren’t safe. But they’re good.

Asking for help isn’t safe. But it’s good.  

Raising your hand in a meeting isn’t safe. But it’s good.

Reaching across the aisle isn’t safe. But it’s good. 

Speaking truth to power isn’t safe. But it’s good.  

Asking for forgiveness isn’t safe. But it’s good.

Extending forgiveness isn’t safe. But it’s good.

And above all else... 

Love isn’t safe. But it’s good.  

When we go for safe, we will never get the chance to walk through the door in the back of a wardrobe that is stored in an attic, and find ourselves in a magical land. Not to mention the possibility of meeting a fierce, giagantic, talking lion. 

I’ll take good over safe any day.  

  

* shmoop

To-Do or Not-To-Do?

“How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.”

~ Annie Dillard

I’m a great list maker. Lists are my secret to success in a lot of areas:

• Getting ready for a dinner party list

• Packing for a trip list

• Planning a wedding/birthday bash/ family reunion list

• Costco/Trader Joes/New Seasons/Target run list

• Christmas shopping list

• Preparing for a keynote address or retreat list

• Book off to the publisher list

• Cleaning the garage list

• Whatever-needs-doing-getting-done list

As you can tell, I love me a good list. Which is why I was intrigued by Dane Anthony’s recent essay to consider making a new kind of list. A To-NOT-Do list.

While the name of the list alone was enough to pique my interest, the name of the person who wrote it sealed the deal. Dane has a Spiritual Direction practice in which he seeks to create a peaceful and safe space for the soul to emerge, which he does by listening without agenda. Having engaged him as my Spiritual Director, I can tell you that this is exactly what he does. He is one of the most gifted listeners I’ve ever met, and because I’ve come to deeply trust him and our work together, I decided to trust in the wisdom of creating my own To-NOT- Do List. Dane’s work is rooted in the belief that we are meant to live an undivided life, with ourselves, others and God, and if making a To-NOT-Do List can help me get a little closer to that…well then sign me up.

Here are a few things that showed up on my To-NOT-Do List as soon as my pen hit the page:

• Be complacent

• Settle

• Wake up and check ANY of my devices until after my morning ritual of quiet, reading,

  meditation, AND of course, my first sacred cup of French press coffee

• Get lost in the menial at the expense of the meaningful

• React out of fear

• Make it all about me

If you are intrigued by the idea of a new kind of list too, read Dane’s thoughtful post below, and then see what words come out when your pen hits the page.

(Oh, and if you are intrigued by the idea of pursuing a Spiritual Director…think about putting that on your To-DO List.)

---

A To-Not-Do List

DANE ANTHONY //SELF CARE//10.03.18

I was taken recently by the question of what my “To-Do” lists really do for me? I’ve made them and crossed things off for years. There are seasons in which these seemingly helpful lists prove a profitable exercise; a place to deposit the endless undone things I must attend to. Certainly, they can be helpful in acknowledging things that are necessary and need my attention. In other seasons, these lists, or at least the propensity to create them, feel more like a perpetual exercise in all the things that are undone. It is as if they are frantically waving their arms to point to what I’m not accomplishing.  

What do my “To-Do” lists really do for me?

In conversation with someone the other day, I came to consider what would it be like to make a “To-NOT-Do” list – a list of the things I do not need to be doing. What on earth would a list like that contain? Might this list be one that offers me some needed permission to care for myself; to see myself as more than what I accomplish or cross off? Am I able to allow or consider things I don’t want to do apart from my inclination to be productive? Can I approach this list without a shame-motivation but from a desire for space and freedom and creativity?

Might this list be one that offers me some needed permission to care for myself; to see myself as more than what I accomplish or cross off?

A quick flash of what this list would look like might be something like:

To-NOT-Do:

Worry
Stress
Hurry
Be Co-dependent
Meddle
Judge
Rage
Argue

I don’t know what this would look like for you, but my list came to me pretty quickly, so I’m aware of my need for the gifts that not doing each of them would offer. It also seemed that I could find a lot of other things to put on this list that don’t appear here. What has kept me from making a list like this, I wondered?

It seems that the messages we receive culturally, and those we create internally, are often driven by shame that we need to accomplish or perform to be accepted, to be worthy, to be enough. 

It seems that the messages we receive culturally, and those we create internally, are often driven by shame that we need to accomplish or perform to be accepted, to be worthy, to be enough. That sure feels true for me when I look at my “To-Do” lists. I do NOT sense that when I look at my “To-NOT-Do” list above. This list feels like it has kindness present in it; an open space for me to engage with my desires and intentions, and with others as they are.

What might you have on your own “To-NOT-Do” list?

Keeping The Faith

“Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.”

~ Hebrews 11:1

Fifteen miles as the crow flies, out in front of our home, sits Mt. Adams, a 12,281 ft. high volcano in the Cascade Mountains of Washington State. It was the mountain that first drew us to this piece of land, and the day that we decided to stake our claim here, the mountain was out in all of its glory. I knew then, as I have every day since that I would never, ever take for granted this beautiful place in which live.

We built our home to maximize the view of the mountain, and almost without fail, when someone visits our home for the first time, they walk in, and if the sky is clear and the mountain in full view, their first words are something to the effect of “Wow! Look at that. Did you plan your house so that you could have that view?”

Ummm…Yes.

But for me, it is about so much more than a spectacular view. The mountain is a daily reminder of my daily need for faith.

You see, there are days when the mountain is shrouded in clouds, and not visible at all from morning till night.

On those days I have to remember, that even when I can’t see the mountain, the mountain is still there.

There are other days when the mountain is partly hidden behind the clouds that blow through our valley.

On those days I have to remember, that even when I can’t see all of the mountain, the mountain is still all there.

This past summer, with fires raging to both the north and south, it was hidden for days on end behind the terrible, suffocating smoke.

On those days I have to remember, that even when I can’t see the mountain, the mountain is still there.

Every day I am in need of faith. And at this particular time in our world, I am in need of it more than ever.

Faith in the creator, and in creation itself.

Faith in the triumph of love over fear, and good over evil.

Faith in humanity, and in myself.

Faith to keep going when I feel like giving up.

Faith to keep writing when the words don’t come easy.

Faith to show up as myself when tempted to hide behind my own wall.

Faith to speak up when it would be easier to stay silent.

Faith to keep putting my work out there when I’d rather play it safe.

While it may be true that faith can move a mountain, I’ve learned that a mountain can move me to have faith. Because even when I can’t see the mountain, I know that the mountain is still there.