This morning a friend reminded me of my need for grace. Grace for myself as I learn to navigate the ground upon which I now stand after walking through a year of recovery for my geologist’s unexpected open heart surgery. Her words both resonate and don’t compute. Maybe that is what happens when we walk through the fire and come out the other side intact. Intact but changed. Intact but broken open. Intact but both filled up and emptied out. Intact but both stronger and more fragile than before.
In the midst of it all, the bigness of it didn’t always register. I just, he just, we just, did what was required to keep on keeping on. In bringing him back to life I was, he was, we were, brought face to face with death. In bringing him back to life we could never know, for sure, that he would come back. But then we never know the answer to that, do we? All of that coming back, all of that unknowing, all of that resolute commitment to doing whatever it took, took a toll. But then, how could it not? Loving someone back to health, and them loving themselves back to health is about as costly as it gets. But then, isn’t that the price of admission to life on the other side of whatever we are facing? To love and love and love and love, and get up the next day and do it again? Which is why I am in need of grace. Where are you in need of grace today?
The crisis (or at least this one, because as we all know, one never knows) is over. The me I knew before isn’t the same one she is now. She is both wiser and worn a little thin. Her mental engine is sound, but feels in need of a tune-up. She knows what is no longer hers to do, and wondering what now is. She is all in for however life rolls, and out of her former loops. The ground beneath her feet feels both solid and shaky. It’s like learning to walk all over again through terrain that is both intimately familiar and strangely foreign. Which is why I am in need of grace. Where are you in need of grace today?
Grace is always right here, quietly waiting for us to grab hold of her outstretched hand and get about whatever it is that we are here to be about.
I think I’ll take her up on it.
Maybe you will, too.