Take It To The Bank

In an interest bearing account, interest is accrued over time. The sooner one begins putting money in, the more they put in, and the longer they leave it there, the more interest will accumulate, thus increasing the value of that account.

It isn’t a stretch to say that the same is true when it comes to investing in our own emotional health and wellbeing. The sooner we get to it, the more we put into it, and the longer we keep at it, the more we stand to gain, and we aren’t the only ones who will benefit from our efforts. All those with whom we are in relationship stand to reap the rewards as well. The sooner we get started, the less others will have to pay for our mistakes. The sooner we take ourselves on, the less likely we are to take our stuff out on others. Especially on those who matter the most.

Just as there are a variety of financial investment tools and strategies from which to choose, there are different options and strategies available to help us grow and thrive emotionally. It all starts with a commitment to do the work. To invest. To fund. To understand. To keep at it. To educate ourselves. To seek professional help. To sacrifice now for long term gain.

It all boils down to this…

When it comes to financial health, either we choose to invest or not.

When it comes to emotional health, either we choose to invest or not.

When we do, it’s always pays off.

You can take that to the bank.

It's You Again

Things reappear in our lives for a reason, and if we are paying attention we’ll recognize them because of their familiarity. Our awareness that whatever “it” is has shown up again, has a sense of déjà vu to it. A feeling that we’ve been here before, and hoped that we wouldn’t have to be here again. But here again we are.

What to do with what has once again arrived at our doorstep? Will we turn out the lights, hide behind the door, and pretend no one is at home? Or, will we crack the door open, invite it in to sit awhile, and listen to what it has to say? One choice leads us away from, and the other deeper into, the authentic and wholehearted life that is ours to live.

When the detritus of my life shows up once more, my first response usually includes some form of profanity, and then discouragement that I have to deal with whatever it is. Again.

Apparently there is more to discover, or it wouldn’t be here again.

There’s some unfinished business to attend to, or it wouldn’t be here again.

There’s an issue to be resolved, or it wouldn’t be here again.

More healing of a still open wound, more truth to be told, more forgiveness to be sought or extended, more stripping away of my ego, or more fears to face. Whether it is any or all of the above, there’s more work to do, or it wouldn’t be here again.

Swearing at it and wishing it would go away doesn’t seem like a skillful way to proceed. Looking it squarely in the eye and greeting it does.

Oh. It’s you again. Come on in and let’s talk. I’m all ears.

We all have some form of “it”, and what goes around will keep coming around until it has had its way with us. The next time it shows up, let’s look it squarely in the eye, and greet it.

Oh. It’s you again. Come on in and let’s talk. I’m all ears.

With gratitude once again for my spiritual director, Dane Anthony, who continues to gently invite me to practice welcoming that which shows up at my door.

The Step To Take

Start close in,
don’t take the second step
or the third,
start with the first
thing
close in,
the step you don’t want to take.

David Whyte

(Excerpted from River Flow: New & Selected Poems )

Today in conversation with another coach, we were reflecting on next steps, and how to pursue what is calling us, right from where we are. In the midst of what is, how do we step closer to what could be? It is easy to get focused on the far horizon, and miss the fertile ground squarely beneath our feet. Wherever we want to go, where we are is the place to start.

Sharing a bit of silence, David Whyte’s poem, Start Close In came to mind, and I introduced the words quoted above to our conversation. Instantly a next step came to mind. One that was close in. A step that wasn’t the first choice, but the right choice.

Wherever we are, there is a next step. One that is close in, and while it may not be the one we want to take, it is the step that will lead us deeper into the life we are called to live.

What is the step you don’t want to take?

The one close in?

Take that one.

With gratitude to DC

The Doctor Is In

When we got Gracie-the-chocolate-labradoodle, little did we know that we were also getting our very own four-legged marriage counselor.

Tom and I have done a lot of work over the course of our 25 year marriage, and have a deep trust in and respect for one another, but somehow Dr. Gracie has a way of showing us that these two old dogs still need to learn some new relationship tricks.

We’ve adopted an approach to raising Gracie that will equip her to have the freedom we want her to enjoy here at home, and out in the big wide world on all of our shared adventures. Just when we think we are on the same page on what that approach means, we learn that we aren’t.

And then we have to talk about it.

Again.

After another conversation to clear the air and our understanding, we’re on a new page together, until we learn that we aren’t.

And then we have to talk about it.

Again.

Our little chocolate girl is helping us to dig a little deeper into our own fears and hurts that have been buried under long ago frozen ground, and bring them to the surface where we can lay them at one another’s feet as food for deeper conversation, leading to deeper understanding, leading to deeper connection.

We’ve got Dr. Gracie, but dog owners or not, we all have people and situations smack dab in the middle of our lives that have to potential to teach us new relationship tricks. While It will probably mean that we will have to dig deeper into our own fears and hurts, Gracie will tell you it’s totally worth it!

The Only Way

The labyrinth at Rancho La Puerta is a full scale replica of the one found at Chartres Cathredral. If you’ve never walked one, it is a powerful meditative ritual, with a meandering path that brings you to the center and leads you back out again.

While there are many insights to be gained from walking the spiraling path, this week I was reminded that if we are to live an authentic life out in the world, we must also be ready to walk the inner path where we encounter that which resides in our shadows. 

In life as with the labyrinth, the only way out, is the way in.

Done With The Dig

I’ve always been fascinated by the idea of an archeological dig, and have imagined what it must be like to unearth remains that confirm what has, until then, only been suspected. It’s thrilling to envision excavating the one piece that finally connects the dots. To uncover a previously hidden source of information that will advance our understanding of who we are and how we got here.

Having never actually been on a dig, or even visited one, it is easy to romanticize the process, filtering it through cinematic eyes, and imagining myself as the hero who finds the one piece that finally completes the puzzle, and wins the prize. I’m no archeologist, but my guess is that in reality, it must boil down to a lot of slow, careful, methodical work, and the site being excavated still might not yield the hoped for evidence. Which means knowing where to dig matters, as does how long to dig. There will always be one more tiny piece, one more fraction of a bone or shard of a pot to find, but when weighed against the effort and investment to keep digging, will the pay off be worth it?

The same could be said for the excavation of our inner lives. Understanding who we are and how we got here as individuals is some of our most important work. To be done well, it will require some digging, some emotional archeology as my wise spiritual director calls it. Filling in the picture of our past can help us live more fully now, and such work often requires the help of a trained professional to help us understand what we’ve uncovered. This archeology can provide us with the piece that completes our puzzle, bringing us the rewards of compassion and forgiveness, healing and wholeness.

Knowing where to dig and for how long matters here too. There will always be more tiny shreds of evidence of our past to dig up. Knowing when to stop digging up the past and get on with living in the present will make a big difference in the future still ahead of us.

Does It Have To Hit The Fan?

Little did we know when we brought Gracie-the chocolate-labradoodle into our home, that we were getting a four-legged, curly haired spiritual master. Kind of like our own personal Yoda. But cuter.

We learn from her all the time, and simply caring for her daily needs brings profound lessons. None more so than cleaning up her daily piles out in the yard. Because we are diligent to do so, we are not left with landmines to be avoided, or more likely, stepped in. Once stepped in, there is a whole lot more work to be done in order to clean things back up so as not to bring the un-dealt with shit into our home.

I don’t know about you, but that sounds like a darn good metaphor for life.

In real life, sometimes we procrastinate, neglect to clean up our messes, and just wait until it all hits the fan, at which point life gets a whole lot harder, not to mention messier. The nasty smelling stuff gets thrown all over anyone within striking distance, and there is a lot of clean up to do. But like little Gracie is teaching us, it happens, and when it does, it is so much easier to pick it up and deal with it, rather than leave it to accumulate.

When it comes to Gracie, we have a practice in place, and because we have committed to the practice, it has become a habit.

See the stuff.

Deal with the stuff.

Be done with the stuff.

I don’t know about you, but that sounds like another darn good metaphor for life.

See our stuff.

Deal with our stuff.

Be done with our stuff.

This, of course, isn’t a one and done deal. We will be cleaning up after ourselves for as long as we draw breath. But the stronger our commitment to the practice, the more deeply engrained the habit.

We can wait for the shit to hit the fan.

But it’s a whole lot easier to deal with if we don’t.

Whose Side Of The Fence?

Whenever we are in a relationship, there are times when there is work that needs to be done, and that work falls into three categories: yours, mine, and ours. A healthier order would be mine, yours, and ours, because when looking at the health and dynamics of our relationships, it’s best to start within.

Good questions to ask ourselves might be:

How have I contributed to the current state of this marriage/partnership/family dynamic/professional relationship/friendship/whatevership?

What am I doing to build or undermine trust and respect?

What do I need to communicate to the other person?

Do I need to seek forgiveness?

Have I clearly stated my needs?

Do I need to seek professional help to find my way to a healthier me?

What is mine to do?

What is on my side of the fence?

Starting there is always a win/win deal. No matter what the outcome of our own work, when done with curiosity, humility, courage, and integrity, we come out the side more fully formed as the person we are meant to be.

All that being said, not everything falls on our side of the fence. It is up to others to show up too, and hopefully they will. Sometimes that means doing their own work, and other times it means that we swing our gates open wide and inhabit the field of relationship building together.

Full Disclosure?

A therapist I worked with gave me some good advice at the end of one of our sessions. We had delved into some aspect of my life that day, resulting in new insights and a commitment to making some specific changes. It had been a powerful time, as it usually is when we decide to show up and do our inner work, and we were both pleased with what had transpired.

After getting another session on the calendar and writing her a check, as I was getting ready to walk out the door, I told her that I was looking forward to going home and sharing with my family what I had discovered, and what I planned to do differently as a result. Doing so felt like the courageous thing to do. Go Me!

Thinking that she would support my good intentions, I was caught off guard when she very firmly said, “Absolutely do not do that! Don’t talk about what you learned. Apply what you learned. Don’t tell them what you’re going to do. Show them what you did.”

She wasn’t saying never talk about it. Just don’t talk about it now. She wasn’t saying hide it from them. Just let them see it for themselves.

Sometimes talk is cheap, but doing the work is always priceless.

Tethering

There is a tool when raising a puppy or training a dog called tethering.

Tethering means that if you are with your dog and not actively training, or the dog is in their crate or some other assigned rest area, you and your dog are basically attached at the hip. Literally. You attach a leash around your waist, and clip it onto your dog’s collar. Where you go, the dog goes, training her to stay close, strengthening the bond between you and your dog, and allowing you to observe and respond to her behaviors appropriately. Rewarding what you want. Ignoring or correcting what you don’t.

Gracie, our 14 week old chocolate labradoodle and I are becoming increasingly comfortable with this tethering routine. She is relaxing into it, sticking closer sooner, and is starting to offer behaviors that get rewarded, and learning to avoid those that do not. Left to her own devices, without this practice, it would be easy for her to wander, ok, race, into territory where she could do harm to herself, her surroundings, and other dogs or people.

Standing at the counter with her calmly sitting by my side, it struck me that left to our own devices, untethered from our true self, and our values, beliefs, and priorities, we too can wander, ok, maybe race, into territory where we can do harm to ourselves, our surroundings, and other people.

In order to attach ourselves closely to our deepest values, beliefs, and priorities, we have to know who we are and what we care about, and then tether ourselves closely enough that when tempted to wander off course, we are pulled up short. The way I stay tethered to what matters is by declaring my bedrock beliefs. To trusted family, friends and colleagues, giving them permission to check me if they see me straining against the leash. On my website or at the beginning of a retreat, workshop, or keynote, I declare them publicly, compelling me to stay accountable to what I profess. When struggling to stay true to who I am, there are trusted professionals to help me do the inner work necessary to live into my truest self.

Gracie doesn’t always love tethering, but as I stay calm, solid and strong, she is learning to trust the bond being created by sticking close.

If Gracie can do it, so can we.