The Conversation

I am convinced that we have access to an innate inner wisdom that stands at the ready to assist us.

This past week I saw this inherent sense in action in the participants in the workshop I had the privilege of leading. Focused on the opportunities that await each of us to engage in important, meaningful, and necessary conversations, when asked if they could identify such an opportunity waiting for them, an interaction where the stakes were high and the emotions probably were too, there wasn’t one shake of the head in the room. It was all nods. To a person, everyone knew of at least one conversation waiting for them, and to a person, everyone knew that they were the one to start it.

We know the conversations waiting for us, even if, and perhaps most especially if, we are reluctant to have them. Call them courageous conversations, crucial conversations, inconvenient conversations, or fill-in-the-blank conversations, we know what they are, and why they are. We just don’t want to have them. We don’t want to have to muster the courage in the midst of our vulnerability. We don’t want to start something without knowing how it will turn out. We don’t want to enter the arena knowing we might need to be stitched back together. We don’t want to give voice to something fragile and important that might go unheard. We don’t want to show up and be the only one at the party. And yet, in spite of all of that, the conversation is still waiting for us.

It continues to be my experience that the more I am willing to engage in the conversations that matter, regardless of how scary, challenging, or difficult they may be, the deeper my connections grow. To others, to my convictions, and, to myself. .

Is there a conversation waiting for you?

It's You Again

Things reappear in our lives for a reason, and if we are paying attention we’ll recognize them because of their familiarity. Our awareness that whatever “it” is has shown up again, has a sense of déjà vu to it. A feeling that we’ve been here before, and hoped that we wouldn’t have to be here again. But here again we are.

What to do with what has once again arrived at our doorstep? Will we turn out the lights, hide behind the door, and pretend no one is at home? Or, will we crack the door open, invite it in to sit awhile, and listen to what it has to say? One choice leads us away from, and the other deeper into, the authentic and wholehearted life that is ours to live.

When the detritus of my life shows up once more, my first response usually includes some form of profanity, and then discouragement that I have to deal with whatever it is. Again.

Apparently there is more to discover, or it wouldn’t be here again.

There’s some unfinished business to attend to, or it wouldn’t be here again.

There’s an issue to be resolved, or it wouldn’t be here again.

More healing of a still open wound, more truth to be told, more forgiveness to be sought or extended, more stripping away of my ego, or more fears to face. Whether it is any or all of the above, there’s more work to do, or it wouldn’t be here again.

Swearing at it and wishing it would go away doesn’t seem like a skillful way to proceed. Looking it squarely in the eye and greeting it does.

Oh. It’s you again. Come on in and let’s talk. I’m all ears.

We all have some form of “it”, and what goes around will keep coming around until it has had its way with us. The next time it shows up, let’s look it squarely in the eye, and greet it.

Oh. It’s you again. Come on in and let’s talk. I’m all ears.

With gratitude once again for my spiritual director, Dane Anthony, who continues to gently invite me to practice welcoming that which shows up at my door.

Listening

I interrupted him three times, sure that I wasn’t interested in hearing his suggestion. With only half of his thought out, I’d already determined what he was going to say, and proceeded to shut down the conversation. What a great way to facilitate communication and deepen connection with the man I love and share my life with. Finally he stopped walking, and standing in our snow covered driveway, suggested that I wasn’t listening to him. Huh. Now there’s a thought. Keeping my mouth shut long enough for him to actually finish his sentence, it became quickly obvious that he was right. I hadn’t been listening, and if I had, would have discovered that his thought was a good one, and we were on exactly the same page.

Note to self.

Let people finish what they are saying.

Testing The Limits

No is a complete sentence.

Anne Lamott

It seems that we are wired to test the limits. To see how far we can go, discover our capabilities, and challenge ourselves. When pushing ourselves to master a new skill, learn a new language, summit a taller peak, or stay in a difficult conversation, stretching ourselves and pushing past previous boundaries is a necessary part of the growth process.

It also seems that we are wired to test the limits of boundaries not meant to be crossed. To do it our way and others be damned, pushing in where we haven’t been invited, offering unsolicited advice, or to see what we can get away with.

While It’s up to others to respect our boundaries, it is up to us to establish them.

To reflect more, check out an earlier post on boundaries:

Redemption

Redemption is always possible. As long as we draw breath, there remains the opportunity to turn things around, even if only in our own hearts. To do things differently. To be who we want to be in the midst of our circumstances, no matter how fraught or difficult they may be. The ball is always in our court, regardless of what happens on the other side of the net.

Redemption doesn’t always happen the way we hope it will. The other person may not seize the chance to turn things around. They may continue in their same vein, and to chart their same course. The ball is always in their court too. But what they do with it isn’t up to us.

Redemption can still happen even if we are the only ones showing up, and bringing the best of ourselves to the worst of situations. Because when all is said and done, sometimes knowing that we’ve done all we can with what we’ve got to work with is as redemptive as it gets.

Redemption is always possible. Even if we are the only ones being redeemed.

Only Say It ONCE

Lately it seems my best teachers are small humans younger than three years of age, four-legged pups, and expert dog trainers.  

As we work to help Gracie-the-chocolate-labradoodle become her best and happiest doggie self, we are leaning on the wisdom of one Matt Luchinger, owner and trainer extraordinaire of NWB Dogs (North West Balanced Dog Training). He has a basic principle that not only applies to dogs, but could help us become our best and happiest human selves too...

Only say it ONCE.

When working with Gracie, and teaching her to respond to our commands, Matt is very clear on ONE point. Only say the command ONE time. For example, if asking her to “Sit”, we are to say the command word once, and then wait for her to respond by, well, sitting. There are several steps leading up to helping her recognize the word, and what is expected of her, but once it is clear that she understands what we are asking of her (which she does), when we repeat the word multiple times, we are training her that we don’t really mean what we say. That she can take her own sweet time and sit when she is good and ready. Not what we are after. Allowing her to ignore our request is setting her up for behaviorial issues, and potential risk of harm down the road. If that happens, Gracie is not the one responsible. That outcome lies squarely at our feet. We are the ones who have trained her not to take us seriously by giving her a mixed message, and if we could read her little doggie thought bubble, it would probably say, “Do they really mean it or not?” 

The same can be said in our human interactions and relationships. When we develop the skills to say what we mean, and demonstrate that we mean what we say, everyone will be better served. When we have to repeat ourselves multiple times in order for get people to take us seriously, it might not be on them. Maybe we’ve been giving them a mixed message, and if we could read their little thought bubble, it would probably say “Do they really mean it, or not?”

What Goes Around

We all have old stories and toxic messages that keep circling around, appearing on our landscapes yet again. When they do, we have the choice of grabbing hold or taking a step back. In grasping a familiar message, we deepen our connection to the past, and continue to carry it with us into the future. In stepping back, we have the opportunity to evaluate its relevance in the present, and decide whether it is worth the weight it adds to our load. Each time our stuff takes another lap around our block,  we have the choice is to latch on or let go. 

The Trailhead

There is a trail leading deeper into our lives, and the trailhead lies squarely beneath our feet. Personally and professionally, taking the next right step begins with a right understanding of where we are now. Moving forward, our task is to follow the trail that connects who we are with how we live, so as not to get lost in a life that isn't our own. 

Today I’m leading a retreat, and we will be considering three questions. Perhaps you’d like to join us.

Where are you now?

Where is life calling you?

How will you get there?

Our lives don't happen by accident; we participate in creating them every day, and one step at a time.

Just Get It Done

They’ve been on our list for a long, long, long time, and we’ve just kept kicking these particular cans down the road: 

1. Establish an actual budget and track it enough to hold ourselves accountable. (I know, at ages 65 & 71, you’d think we’d have done this years ago. Well, better late than never.)

2. Create a revokable living trust, which also serves to update our very outdated wills.

Every year about this time we talk about getting them done, so that we can finally, at long last, cross them off of our list. And even though they continue to loom in the back of our minds,  every year, we never seem to get around to them.

Now we have.

The budget is done as is an easy tracking system. The proof will be in the pudding whether we actually stick to it or not, but now that the framework is in place, it not only doesn’t sound daunting, it sounds eminently doable. Even, dare I say it, kind of exciting.

The revokable living trust isn’t yet finalized, but we’ve met with our attorney, and as of this past weekend, have read the entire stack of legal documents, which made me want to hit myself in the forehead with a gavel,  but I made my way through every one. Tom and I sat down yesterday and talked them through together, noted our questions and corrections, and made our advance health care directive decisions. I anticipated that last step being the most daunting, but once we talked our way through all of the possible scenarios and what we would/wouldn’t want done in each case, it was quite straightforward. We will have another meeting with our attorney to complete the process, but it is essentially done except for signing on the many dotted lines.

Like many things, now that we’ve actually done what we’ve been meaning to do, and the sense of relief and accomplishment is so great, I wonder what took us so long. If it’s looming in the back of your mind, and you’ve been meaning to get around to it, think how good it will feel to just get it done.

   image - openclipart.org

Does It Have To Hit The Fan?

Little did we know when we brought Gracie-the chocolate-labradoodle into our home, that we were getting a four-legged, curly haired spiritual master. Kind of like our own personal Yoda. But cuter.

We learn from her all the time, and simply caring for her daily needs brings profound lessons. None more so than cleaning up her daily piles out in the yard. Because we are diligent to do so, we are not left with landmines to be avoided, or more likely, stepped in. Once stepped in, there is a whole lot more work to be done in order to clean things back up so as not to bring the un-dealt with shit into our home.

I don’t know about you, but that sounds like a darn good metaphor for life.

In real life, sometimes we procrastinate, neglect to clean up our messes, and just wait until it all hits the fan, at which point life gets a whole lot harder, not to mention messier. The nasty smelling stuff gets thrown all over anyone within striking distance, and there is a lot of clean up to do. But like little Gracie is teaching us, it happens, and when it does, it is so much easier to pick it up and deal with it, rather than leave it to accumulate.

When it comes to Gracie, we have a practice in place, and because we have committed to the practice, it has become a habit.

See the stuff.

Deal with the stuff.

Be done with the stuff.

I don’t know about you, but that sounds like another darn good metaphor for life.

See our stuff.

Deal with our stuff.

Be done with our stuff.

This, of course, isn’t a one and done deal. We will be cleaning up after ourselves for as long as we draw breath. But the stronger our commitment to the practice, the more deeply engrained the habit.

We can wait for the shit to hit the fan.

But it’s a whole lot easier to deal with if we don’t.